Identify Yourself: what makes up your identity?

Does your Job Define You?

Finding your identity through your disability

"Nice to meet you. What do you do?" That question is asked so many times in our society that it has caused us to identify ourselves by what we choose to do for employment. But what if you cannot work? How do you identify yourself? This is a question I have been struggling with for a while now. I have been in the professional world for over 10 years, and I have worked at least part time since I was 15 years old. With a master's degree, I planned to be a working professional until I retired. However, my disability appears to have other plans for me. Now I must come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to answer the question, "What do you do?" much longer. Who am I? What will I be then? Just another person with a disability? Is that what defines me now? 

I've come to understand that our society has placed value in the wrong place. We need to focus on the person, not what they do or what they can do. I have bought into the idea that my job defines me for many years. I have pushed through pain and suffering because of the fear of losing my identity if I am not working. I would be a failure. I would be giving in to my disability. I would be nobody. These are all thoughts I had, and sometimes they still pop up every now and then. It took a lot of soul searching and support from my husband to finally come to terms with the fact that listening to my body and understanding my limitations is not giving up. I lose no part of myself bynot working because my job does not define me. I am not my job, I am Me. I am a loving wife, I am caring, I am an animal lover, I am adventurous, I am funny, I am family oriented, I am Me, and nothing can change that. My job and my disability are only parts of my life, they do not define me. Don't let any single part of your life define you, just be you!

Support Networks

I consider myself to be fairly independent, but I will admit that I rely on my husband a lot. He is the best person in my life, and I owe a lot to him. He gives me strength when I feel like I cannot go any further. He helps me to take care of the house and other tasks that I cannot always handle. He has patience when I am not feeling well. He is strong, steady, and reliable. I know that no matter what he will always be there. Without him, my life would be much harder, and I would be without my best friend.

I think many people with disabilities have a special someone who they rely on for strength, encouragement, and help. What we don't always think about is what we will do if that person is no longer able to help care for us. What happens if they become ill, disabled, or even pass away? We don't like to think about it, but it is something we all need to consider. What will I do if he is suddenly unable to do what he does for me now?

Currently, my husband is recovering from surgery. Luckily, it is a simple surgery that will not cause any major issues, but it got me thinking, what will I do if he is unable to be here one day? You see, my husband has a dangerous job which requires him to put himself in harm's way on a daily basis. When he leaves for work I never know if he will come home at the end of his shift. We aren't in denial about this possibility, and we have talked about it often. We are both mentally prepared to make that sacrifice if necessary, but am I physically prepared? This situation has gotten me thinking. Will I be ready?

We all need a support system. We need a network of people, a community of individuals who can support us when needed. If you don't have that support system then reach out. There are multiple agencies and networks out there to help individuals in need. If you are religious, seek support from your church community or your spiritual advisors. Make new friends through a community club or activity that interests you. It is never too late to make new friends, and these friends can be a significant source of support in times of need in the future. I have learned that once I was able to let my guard down a little it was easier to make true relationships that create a stronger bond. There is a certain type of family that comes with my husband's job, and normally I would be the type of person that would not embrace that. I would typically shy away from others involved in that "family" because I would feel different or unacceptable. Since I have learned to let my guard down I have learned that there are people out there that are sincere, and I have formed some very strong bonds that will last a lifetime. I am confident that if, God forbid, one day my husband does not come home, that there are people in my life that I can rely on. Hopefully, you can gain that comfort and support as well. 

No, I'm Not Faking- Understand the Invisible Disability

Before my disability became so bad that I needed to use crutches or a wheelchair, people never understood. Even now people still don't understand. On a daily basis people see me use a wheelchair and then stand up and walk. They say, "Oh, so it's not permanent?" Yes, it is permanent. My disability is not going away, and it is actually getting worse. What you mean to say is I am not paralyzed. I don't understand why, but it is a common misconception that everyone who uses a wheelchair is bound to that chair 24/7.
--- Not everyone who uses a wheelchair is paralyzed.---
--- Not everyone who has a disability uses a wheelchair.
-

When I was in my teens and just beginning my journey in this disabled life, so many times I would be called a "Faker" by the able-bodied and disabled community alike. I felt like I was in limbo. I didn't belong anywhere, and nobody could tell me what was going on. Was I crazy? I didn't think so, but when you are told something so often by so many people you begin to think it is true.

It made it very difficult to trust people. I didn't know whether to tell them or not. Do I disclose or hide it? If I hide it and then have a bad day it all comes out in the open really fast. Then I am left with the question of whether or not they will stay. Will they believe me? Will they call me a freak and never want to talk to me again? What should I do? These questions I dealt with on a daily basis for so long. I only let a very small number of people into my life. I put up walls so tall and so strong it took many years of hammering by my husband and my closest friends to break it down. I didn't even let my family in my circle at first. I didn't tell them about all of my struggles, my symptoms, or my flairs for fear of rejection. I feared they wouldn't believe me. I was a teenager, and everyone told me I was young and healthy looking and I shouldn't be feeling that way. But I was. And that continued into adulthood. Only just recently have I begun to learn what is going on in my body, and finally I have been able to gain some peace. I'm not crazy, and the things I was experiencing all those years were real. Only just recently have I begun to let others into my circle. My family and friends are just now learning all there is to know about me. All of those years of anger, self-doubt, shame, fear, sadness, and loneliness take a toll. I have to learn to trust again. As a society we need to stop putting people through this pain.

The truth is, the things you can't see in someone are real, and people need to make sure to be careful about how they approach someone struggling with an invisible disability. Whether it is a physical disability such as MS, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, etc, or a mental illness or intellectual disability, it is a tough road to go down because to the rest of the world you look "Normal". I still do. (I think). If you took one look at me, not knowing me and my daily struggles, you too would probably think I am faking. But it is real, and those negative words saying we are "faking" or "crazy" or "it's all in our head" can hurt people so terribly. It can cause damage that is sometimes irreparable. We need to help break down walls and get people talking. Don't add bricks to the already solid foundations being laid by the media, society, and even some doctors. Those bricks just make the walls we build around ourselves stronger, and we then become like our disability. We become Invisible.



Embrace the Disability

I have met so many people who have told me they wish they would have just died. I'm talking about those who either become disabled due to an accident or illness sometime later in life. Most individuals born with a disability are able to adapt so much easier, and are able to embrace their disability as an integral part of them at an early age. This doesn't mean they don't have struggles, or have days when they may say, "I wish I could do that", but overall, many children born with disabilities are much more accepting of themselves at an earlier age.

Now, we adults and older children, we are a different story. I will admit, I had my days when I thought, "It would be better if I wasn't here". The thought of not having to go through the daily pain, the stares, the negativity and the loss was appealing. The loss.... It is so difficult to go through the loss. The loss of what once was. The loss of who you once were. The loss of what you thought you would become. The broken dreams, the heartache, the reality that there are going to be things that I may never do again. These are all feelings that can lead someone to the level of despair that would make them say "It would have been better if I had died".

I'm here to tell you that you are wrong!

No matter what your situation is, it has a purpose. You have a purpose. You may be new to this disabled community, and that is okay. We don't judge. We will embrace you and show you the ropes if you just let down your guard, break down those walls, and let us in. I know how hard it is because I was there. I put up those walls and I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. I wanted to pretend it was all okay. I didn't want to accept it. I felt like a friend of mine does right now who always says, "If I learn how to do that, then I am giving in to this chair". You aren't giving in by embracing the wheelchair, the walker, the cane, the braces, the seeing eye dog, the hearing aids, the prosthetic, the depends, the catheters, the shunts, the implants, the sign language, and on and on. It isn't giving in, or giving up. Learning to use the tools around you to live an active, healthy life is just part of the process of learning to love yourself again. You must learn to love you, and that means every part of you. You can't be embarrassed about who you are and what your needs are. The people who truly love you don't care about the chair, the catheters, the dogs, the hearing aids, the braces, the depends, etc. They don't care, and you shouldn't either. It took me a LONG time to learn that. After I learned to embrace it I realized that I was the only one holding me back because everyone else had already accepted me.

At some point we all need to learn to let go of what we once were, and learn to love who we are now. Embrace all that we are because what we can be is amazing. I have met so many amazing people because of my disability. My disability has opened the door to an entire world that didn't exist for me before. It has made me a better person. I can relate to my relative who I loved dearly who went through similar struggles and did amazing things. I can better understand how he felt on some level, and maybe carry on his legacy of helping others. I have been able to reach out to children who are struggling just as I did, and I have seen them conquer their struggle while learning to embrace their disability.

I have met so many people who have been injured, or have a debilitating disease that began later in life, who have told me if they had a choice to go back to who they were before they wouldn't. They have embraced their new identity, and they have learned that there was a reason for it. They have seen the good things that have come from their experiences, and they don't want to change it. It took some of them years to come to that realization, and some of them went through very dark times before they got there. Unfortunately, being in that place of despair can lead to so many dangerous things such as alcoholism, substance abuse, risky behaviors, depression, and suicide. We need to come together as a community and help each other through that difficult time so the transition isn't so difficult for the next person. These individuals who have learned to embrace their disability are necessarily happy with every aspect of their disability. Everyone has daily struggles that they must overcome regularly when living with a disability, and I am not discounting that. But, those daily struggles make us stronger, and over time you will begin to see the good things that will come from your situation.

I don't know what my future holds. It is scary to think about what my disease could do to me. I don't know how it will progress, but I do know that no matter what, I will embrace it and know there is a reason to live. Each and every one of us has to learn to let go of the person we thought we were going to become, and make a new future for ourselves. It doesn't mean that it is an inferior future to the one for which we were previously on track, it is just a different one. One day, you may just come to realize that your new future is the one that was meant for you all along.

Who Am I? Who Are You? Where Do We Belong?

Hello everyone! My name is Marie, and my question to you is “Who are You?” That was my question to me for so many years. Do you ever question who you are? Where you belong? Will you ever belong? These days it is so easy to get caught up in trying to fit in that we lose ourselves. We lose sight of who we are. When we are different, when we don’t quite fit in, when we are the square peg trying to shove ourselves into that round hole in front of us, it is PAINFUL! The rejection, the loneliness, the longing to be “in”, to be…. “normal”. I’m here to say there is HOPE! You Are Not Alone!

Bullying, Cliques, Harassment, Loneliness, Self-Doubt, Depression,Abuse…. SUICIDE.

These things are real and they are painful, and occur far too often. People say, “It gets better”. We’ve all heard of the “It gets better” movement, and that is great. But sometimes I wonder if we all really believe it. I know there were times when I have thought it will never get better. I still have those moments of weakness. Growing up my family moved so many times due to my father’s work that I had to go to multiple different schools. Dropping everything, leaving all your friends behind and starting over year after year can be hard. Finally, after settling down in a one place long enough to go to the same school for my ENTIRE high school career I thought I had it all! I was making friends, a Track and Cross Country star, running with the Varsity Team as a Freshman! I had it all. Finally, my life was right. Until…. my body stops working right. I can’t explain it, but something is wrong. “But you don’t look sick”, “You’re too young to be feeling that way”, “It’s all in your head”. These are all of the things I heard. From doctors, from family, from friends, from everyone- for years! I thought I was going crazy! Finally, at the age of 32, after 18 years of searching I finally found an answer. Mitochondrial Disease. It doesn’t solve my problem, but at least I know I’m not crazy. Now I know what I can do about it.

For so long I felt like I didn’t belong. I couldn’t keep up with the “Able-bodied” world, but I never quite fit in or was accepted into the “Disabled” world. It really bothered me, and I worried all the time what people would think. It impacted my personal life, my work, my relationships, EVERYTHING. Now that my disability is getting worse, I am learning to let go, and finally, after 33 years on this Earth I have begun to understand who I am. With the support of others we can all get back up. No matter what your personal struggle may be, we all need support. Follow me and we can support each other because ultimately whether you are white, black, male, female, gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, transgender, asexual, physically disabled, mentally disabled, emotionally disabled, able bodied, living with an invisible disability, or just lost and searching for a friend, we ALL need support and love, and that is why I am here!

You Have a Disease...

Becoming a teenager is difficult enough, but going through your teenage years while developing a misunderstood, invisible disability that nobody can figure out is a whole different story. Imagine being a healthy, active freshman in high school who has no particular cares in the world, but then one day you begin to have complaints of fatigue, weakness, and pain that nobody understands. Of course everyone's going to think you're crazy. I did. There were times even I thought "Am I making it up? Is it all in my head?" I didn't think so, but nobody would believe me. Have you ever felt that alone? As if nobody would ever really understand how you feel... ever again? Being a teenager is hard... especially when you have mitochondrial disease. Welcome to my blog all about my journey through the struggle of getting diagnosed with Mitochondrial Disease. This journal gives insight into the highs and lows of learning to live with an "invisible disability". Follow me as I take you through the roller coaster of my life, and I hopefully I can help you or your loved one understand how to get through it too.